Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lyssamariha's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 9th, 2009
11:12 pm	the update so, its been a while since Ive written here. Its not that Ive had nothing on my mind. Its more that I didnt want to share it. Now, Im more willing to share what is going on in my head and Im not sure where to start. I had a birthday. Roomie threw me a great party. I invited many many people, few of whom showed up. I am NOT complaining. I spent a few weeks before the party remembering that the last time I threw myself a party, noone showed up for it. This hit the "Im unliked and unpopular and awkward" button that I honestly thought I had grown out of in all regards except for with my family. I know that my family treats me like a second class citizen at best so I am used to it. I also know that I have a very close knit group of friends whom I can always count on. And then I have the rest of the people I invited. People that I have never taken any steps to be closer to and neither have they. 3 groups of people invited to the same party. It worked out almost exactly as I expected. Those of you who showed are the ones I know love me and I know I can always count on you. And, I love you too. I rarely say it except flippantly, but I do. You guys keep me up when I feel like Im drowning in life. I hope that I do the same for you. You made my party the best that I have ever had and Im not surprised by that at all. Out of my family, my little brother showed with his lady and I was only a bit surprised by that. Of my siblings, I am closest (though not really close) to him. We mostly teased each others choice in music. My mom showed as well, dragging my dad behind her. She cant drive on her own yet....still....from the shoulder surgery. My mom enjoyed herself immensely. My dad suffered through valiantly. He only almost embarrassed me once, but I reminded him that I have a key to his house and no jury would convict me. He shut up. It was good. As far as the other group of people, well, it was to be expected. I dont try to fit in better with them, you know...outside of the one small shared interest. And even then, Im not AS interested, so Im still an outsider after 5 years. Most didnt RSVP, didnt show, werent missed. I invited many of them, but only expected a few to show. Surprise was only in that it wasnt the ones I expected to show who did. So, all in all, the party was a rousing success in my eyes. One third of the guest list showed and it was the third that I love the most. Thank You. The next day, my actual birthday, was a let down. My sister was supposed to take me out to lunch and my friend was supposed to take me out to dinner. Neither one happened. My sis forgot and my friend decided to stay home and do laundry. They suck. I spent my birthday alone and mildly hungover. Hence the decision to pretend that my birthday happened the night before. It was a better way to celebrate. The other things on my mind lately....well, Im only human. The need for a better job, more money, a car that works and someone in my heart, or at least in my bed. Yup, that covers all the things that have been preying on my mind. I can feel a good sized bumming out coming on and Ive been trying to fight it for a couple of months. Unless something changes, it will be a losing battle. But I will fight it. PS. thank you Roomie. It was a wonderful party. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
2:39 pm	a week in review Monday- get call at work, grammy had a seizure and kiddo had to call 911. spend until after 11 at hospital and get home after 12am with kiddo. Tuesday- spend all day at hospital w/ kiddo and grammy only to find out that they dont know what happened and arent releasing her yet. Did I mention how grammy HATES hospitals and doctors and anyone fussing over her? Did I mention that Im the one in charge of hospital to family telephoning? Did I mention that this is my ex's mom? Wednesday- grammy's diagnosis is stroke. she gets released and then kiddo and I are dealing with kiddos high emotions from the stress of the week. Thursday- kiddo meltdown is in fine form. I can understand, but that doesnt mean that Im not ready to put her out of our misery. Luckily, I know a secret. Daddy is coming to town tomorrow. Friday- Daddy! Dinner with daddy and the very best friend next door is a special treat for kiddo, outback steakhouse is my consolation for my crappy week. Saturday- find a message on my phone as Im getting ready for work. Grammy had another seizure. She's back in the hosp. By the way, can I take kiddo tonight so that the ex can spend the night in the hosp.? Sure, but Ive got my own family funtime to deal with, so she'll have to go to the expensive restaurant w/ me to visit the cousin in from out of town. She actually meltsdown again. At the restaurant. Embarrassed, I take her to the bathroom so we can fix whatever the hell is wrong this time. After not liking any of the food that was offered(kind of expected), kiddo gets mcfood on the way home and falls asleep in the car and doesnt eat anyway. Sunday- kiddo, the rereleased grammy, daddy, and I all go out to eat again. There is a food arguement in that daddy got kiddo turkey. Kiddo has had a real hate on for turkey for about 8 or 9 months. He says eat, she refuses. Ok, so daddy finally gets a taste of kiddo without her best behavior. After this, she is dropped off at a temp sitter, a friend of mine doing me a huge favor. Lioness, Love you for it. Im back off to work and daddy is taking grammy to Tennesee with him to keep an eye on her. PS...Lyssamariha, can you feed Grammys animals for the next week. We'll be back next weekend. Monday- a good day all told. We went out to breakfast w/ my family. Two family things on 3 days, possibly a record for me. I find out that my middle brother is in Tampa. In a salvation Army shelter, trying to start over. I find out later that he is also stck, broke, scared, and wanting nothing more then to come home but cant get a ride to the trainstation and for some mystical reason cannot take a bus or a cab or walk, but Lyssamariha, do you know anyone in Tampa who can give him a ride, or know anyone who has family in Tampa? NO. I dont. I have enough to do for my part in saving the damn world this week thankyouverymuch. So, I feed the animals at grammys and we have pizza for dinner even though all I want in the world is to cook. Tuesday- shaping up in fine form. A friend comes over to talk to me. He cant hang out with me because he cares too much about me and I dont return the sentiment, so we cant be friends because I wont be more then friends. Fine. I'm not even angry about it, cause I knew it was coming and cause it really was a bad situation for him. Hell, probably wasnt that good a situation for me. But damn. of all the things I didnt feel like dealing with today. Now I have to figure out how Im going to fit a homecooked meal, a trip to grammys to take care of the animals and hopefully a load or two of laundry into the 4 hours between school and bedtime... Oh, and homework, afterschool snacks and whatever else pops up. Damn. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 7th, 2009
12:35 am	HOT HOT HOT!!!! I walked with the kiddo to drop off hte paperwork needed at her school. The foul demon orb got me again! Ow Ow Ow. Now I have yet another retarded looking sunburn. face and chest only. But, kiddo is officially enrolled and we met the teacher and she seems nice (though very no nonsense-y) We'll see. She is SO excited and I think its catching cause even though we already know that her best school friend from last year will be in another class, we cant wait for this year to start. She has like, 4 or 5 kids from last years class in this year too. Meanwhile, on to the not kid related things. Roomie, love her dearly is already starting to discuss where we should have my BDay party. Yes, its in 3 months. dont care. gotta plan. Nothing short of death is an acceptable reason for a friend not to show. Just a warning. Anyway, she brings up a few ideas, but if anyone else has ideas, throw them out. As long as its a Big place. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
11:59 pm	How rarely do I write on here? (Yet another wah report) The carrot has yet to be implemented. NOT surprised. "____, we're going to show you how to do returns and make it so that you are almost getting a raise and promotion, only really you're getting a harder job that you don't want that is not in any way a raise or promotion. Step one....show me how to do my new job already. It's been like a month. I have yet to get my promised review, my promised raise, my promised training... On to other topics then my job. I am almost 30. I know that most of you that are readinging this have seen 30 come and go. I know that right now, you are thinking, "So what? 30. Big bloody deal." Well, I'm going through a bit of a freak out about it. I have not accompplised one fifth of what I was supposed to have by now. I am supposed to be living happily with my husband and managing a clothing store by now. I was supposed to HAVE a husband. I was supposed to have my first New car by now. Not new to me, but new to everyone. I don't even have a running car! Well, here goes the last few months of my twenties. broke, underemployed, unhappy, single, carless, and far to bloody sober for my liking. I dont do anything fun anymore. I don't party, I don't drink, I don't have that many friends. How the hell should I bring on my middling years? I keep saying I wannt a big ass party for my big 3-0. Problem is I don't know where to have it and if my past parties are any indication, no one will show up anyway. Oh hell. I don't want to be thirty and Im not going to go out with grace or dignity. Im going to kick and scream, write petitions, appeal to my makers, lie if I have to. My mom was 29 for 14 years. I think I can do better. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 27th, 2009
4:14 am	why is it when they decide to toss me a bone, it still looks like they are just dangling a new carrot. This carrot isnt even as tasty looking as the others. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
2:31 am	and so I am in pause I cannot move forward in any direction. Why is that? Mostly, Im not sure what it is that I want. Or at least what it is that I want for more then a short while. Most of the problem is what I want and what would be a good idea. Of course for most things the problem is that there is nothing I can have at this time. Nothing that can fix anything. No salve, no bandaid, no quick fix. I want things that I dont have. Things that Im not sure that I'll ever have. But who knows what the future will hold, I guess. I must keep this fact in mind and try to think of it in a positive light. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
11:24 pm	contact tried to text you. Dont know if your new phone came complete with a new number. My email is the same. My first name, the word and,my kiddos first name. Its a hotmail account. If you are the one that I want to contact, this will get you my phone number emailed back. Does this sound like secret agant shit to you? Yeah, me too. but posting personal info online gets me phone calls from telemarketers aimed to game characters or emails to enlarge dangly bits that I dont have. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
1:28 am	for all those who dont already know Im single again. Yes he bugged me often, but that doesnt make me unaffected by the breakup. We had just made it through the first year on the 24th, but broke up on the 27th. Sometimes I dont want to talk about it, sometimes I want to scream about it. Mostly though, it just hurts to think about it. It was a simple promise to keep, I thought. But he broke that promise, so of course, I am the horrible preson who never really loved him, because I broke up with him over it...LIKE I SAID I WOULD. Whatever. Added bonus..stomach flu hit yesterday. I love my life (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 15th, 2009
2:22 am	up and coming and some past for fun in the past...mothers day. Fun. I got kiddo from the grammy after having failed my attempt to sleep in. She gave me gifts. We went to the Zoo. That was fun. We saw all of our favorite things in the Zoo. We found that, somehow, we had never seen the Otters. She loved it. After the Zoo I attempted a call to my own mom. After 6 or 7 tries, I thought to myself heck, Im in the area..so we dropped by. She told me what my dad got her (a singing card and a pound of skittles) I told her what kiddo got me (a singing card and a pound of chocolate). We were invited to stay for dinner, but kiddo was looking forward to our dinner alone, so we declined and went out to eat. After making our selves rather sick at dinner, overeating, we came home. Here I had to tell her, before we went in about the roomies cat being put down. After we discussed it for a while, I remeinded her that roomie is upset and we need to take care not to hurt her feelings. Kiddo walks in the house, looks around for a second, and asks roomie " wheres the dead cat?" Tact. next up on things my daughter needs to learn. up and coming events for me. 1 year with the guy. kiddo turns 7. Promised her a party. Summer vacation is coming up. Im sure there will be time with her dad where I'll be free to do whatever I want, since I wont have to worry about kiddo. i think I may try to do interesting things with her this summer. Camping trips and stuff. maybe. neither one of us has any tolerance for bugs and I require running water to make me not evil. Really I think that the weeks before we turn on the AC and the windows are open is as close to camping as I want to get, but I remember enjoying it alot as a kid. I think that with enough bug spray, she would too. Well, kids..time to try to sleep. Wish me luck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
2:03 am	First, I'd just like to say that the movie Pretty in Pink has some of the worst movie kisses in it. They don't even look like they are enjoying themselves. Now that that is over, I want to write about something that has been bugging me. When I broke up with Kiddo's dad, I was a very insecure individual. The relationship was not good for my self esteem. I went through a period where I was unable to believe that I could have any kind of romantic or even just sexual relationship with anybody. I was, in a word, scared. I started with what was far easier for me. I had sex. I was upfront that all I could handle was sex, that I could not have a serious relationship. I still handled it badly and hurt someone. I still wasn't ready, though I didn't realize it yet. time wore on and I started a new relationship. This, too, went badly. I thought that I was ready. I felt ready. Not at first, but as time passed the relationship developed a bit at a time. Then, all of a sudden, I felt overwhelmed, like drowning. It was too much, I could not get air. I ran scared again. and again.. I know that I hurt him too. Now, I am coming up on a year with the guy Im seeing now. I dont know what exactly it is, if I am about to run again. A lot of the time I feel like I am drowning. Like he is not giving me the air that I need. I know that I am not the most demonstrative person in the world and goodness knows that the more emotion I feel, the harder it is for me to express it, but the real question I ask myself over and over again is, "Am I afraid of relationships, or he really just not the right person and somewhere inside I know that?" We always seem to have the same recurring problems. I hate talking on the phone and he can't seem to stop calling me a few times a day. I can't get annoyed without him feeling like I'm drifting away. I can't seem to be the type of demonstrative person that he needs. But what it boils down to is the more he calls, the more he hugs on me, the more I pull away. Unfortunately, the more I pull away, the more he reassures himself that everything is okay by calling more and hugging on me more. It's become a cycle that I can't break. Now, both of the before mentioned guys are back in my life as friends. I keep thinking about the way things worked out back then and I kick myself repeatedly for hurting two really great people. I think to myself that if I wasn't so damn scared at the time, one of them could have been great for me. I don't know what I thought I would accomplish writing about this here. I think that its been preying on my mind enough that I thought I should just get it out and Im afraid that the people around me are probably getting sick of hearing about a problem I have had unending since last summer. This is starting to sound like a pity party though, so I think I'll cut it short. Last thing I want to say....I still think she should have taken Duckie instead. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
2:12 am	short -n- sweet I have a car again! (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2009
1:06 am	a long ago promise of impending DOOM, a catch up on me,retail mind you, thats long ago in the mind of a child A few months back, kiddo learned the evils of tobacco, alcohol and drugs in school. I discussed it with her as well. I mean, I do smoke and socially drink, so the Why of it came up. In this discussion, I promised myself and my dearest one that after the holidays were over, I would try to quit. This is now the time. My plan is to quit smoking by Feb. NOTE: this is NOT a New Years resolution. This is a promise to kiddo made months ago. Obviously, this is a WARNING. I plan on cutting down throughout this month, so perhaps it will be easier, but I am putting my money on "raving homicidal maniac" for the next couple of months. Now that thats said.. Much of life has been same ol stuff lately. Kiddo went to see Daddy in Va. for Xmas. Since my dad is there with FEMA, he picked her up and had dinner with her one of the noghts she was there. He gave her a couple of Xmas gifts too as a bonus. She was gone for 5 days all told. She was supposed to be gone for 6 but due to possible weather, she had to fly one day later. Roomie went out of town too during the same time so I was at the airport 5 times in 5 days(once for picking up lost luggage). I would appreciate a parking spot or reserved chair for this since I havent even gotten to fly for my troubles. Still seeing the same person, we are doing well. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, just as sometimes, I am sure that I get on his, but hell, 7 months is pretty good for me. The only one who lasted longer then this was kiddo's daddy and it was miserable for years before I left. still hearing nasty rumors about people and then choosing to ignore them, still working at the same place. The only real difference is now, suddenly, I keep getting hit on (at work!) by people who are shopping for, and sometimes with, their wives or girlfriends. I can only think WTF? This past two weeks at work have been retail hell. I have had to deal with: A man who hits on me while not looking me anywhere but in the breasts and then touches my butt while Im trying to get a shirt down for his woman to try on in the fitting room. An unknown person peeing on one of the fitting room benches and covering it with 2 expensive(and now ruined) pieces of clothing to hide it. A woman who blatantly drops a coat on the ground at my feet when she is told by her shopping buddy that its not the right thing. My absolute fave person is leaving the store. Her last day is tomorrow. This will make me the longest employee at my store. An undermanned shift most nights these past two weeks as sales were expected to be about 1/2 what they actually were. 4 people that I know coming into the store at various times in the past two weeks. Something I am not really all that comfortable with and in one case, NOT AT ALL. A customer who said that she wanted hooker clothes for a "hookers and hobos" theme party...but it cant show her arms..or her cleavage..or be a dress.. or too short of a skirt...or be tight at all. all I could do not to tell her she was left with the hobo option. Not that all things were bad of course...: I had a 1000 dollar sale. I had to remind a coworker (again) that I am not a manager and so, cannot give her permission to start a project, nor can I assign her one. ( I can advise her on suitable helpful projects though, and did.) I had Xmas eve, Xmas day, and New Years day off. I got to help many ladies who were suffering from poor self image. "I am ugly cause Im fat and nothing looks good on me" This always give me a warm feeling when I prove that totally wrong. A bonus. not a good bonus, but a bonus. and more to follow after that. I believe that I can count on two more. We finally got our Nov bonus for making plan. The 1000 dollar sale earned a bonus. (normally we don't get bonuses for big sales, but the DM was running a highest sale contest at the time) And unless I am mistaken, we will get a Dec plan bonus. Well, thats really all I got for now Current Music: video game background music (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2008
2:08 am	huh, who knew? Which creature of the night are you? Your Result: Incubus/Succubus   It's all about feeding, isn't it? You pay them back from their energy, though. You give them something (your drama) that will keep them distracted from life, which you consider a terrible joke. Vampire   Sorceror   Ghost   Werewolf   Demon   Cthulu Spawn   Which creature of the night are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
1:13 am	Over winter break Little One is going to Daddy's for the holidays. This will make Xmas number 2 ever with out the Kiddo. I believe that I will do significantly better with it this year then I did 2 years ago for a couple of reasons. A: I'm not already depressed. B: I'm not in Green Acres. C: I know for a fact that she'll come home again(an irrational fear last time as it was her first trip to Va to visit Daddy) So, I do not think that I will slip into that BAD mental Place....but just to be sure, I will try hard to keep myself to busy to get Emo. So, anyone else have any plans? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
2:18 am	Fema So, any who have read my LJ (what few posts I make) know about the great car-killing flood. MSD told me to piss off, as did everyone else. Fema told me to give up the little until things were back to normal. AS IF I HAD A LOT OF NORMAL IN MY LIFE TO BEGIN WITH!!! This, understandably, pissed me off and made me very upset with the organization that my father works for. Yep. My dad works for Fema. As of a couple of days ago, I have changed my mind. Our neighborhood was declared a disaster site and as of 1:30 today, my place has been inspected and reports have been filed. I have fairly good reason to believe that I shall be reimbursed for some of my loss, though, predictably not all of it. Now, that guy that I spoke to last time? Id still like to reach through the phone and explain to him why you dont tell a mother to give up her little. Then Id like to see him demoted to the guy that cleans out the porta-potties at disaster relief sites. You know, the ones where they have a few thousand people sleeping in a gymnasium. Without a mask.... Or gloves. at least until he learns things like tact, and when to try a more sympathetic method. Some common sense couldnt hurt.... Anyway, that being said, it's nice to know that my tax dollars are finally coming back to me. I mean, situations like this are why I pay taxes, yes? On a completely unrelated note, there is a place near me with a now hiring sign in their window. Tomorrow, I plan on going there and convincing us both that I should work there. Wish me luck. I need a local day job. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 17th, 2008
2:31 am	Post B (order not important) So, kiddo wants me to marry. NOW! She has decided that she wants a stepdad. No...NEEDS one. As a bonus, she has decided that the current guy in my life will suit for the job just fine. Nevermind that we have been dating for (just shy of)6 months. yeah. thats all. Guy knows that the decision has been reached for us by the kiddo and is as amused/worried as I am. And here we feared my mother hearing wedding bells and trying to foist me off on him. She is also quite unconcerned with the fact that he hasnt asked me to marry him. Conversation at laundrymat after school; Kiddo: mommy? me: yes hun? K: did you do it yet? M: do what? K: Marry ______! did you do that today? M: NO! Sweetie, you just decided yesterday that it would be ok. We havent actually decided to get married. Besides, I wont do that while youre at school. We'll have a big party and you'll be flower girl if I get married. K:(saddened by my still single state) Oh. I just thought... *mumble mumble* This is partly her fathers fault. When he still lived in town, He and his wife went to city hall. Kiddo was informed of it later that night. I think that she thinks its no big deal. So, what the heck am I supposed to do with that? I like the guuy I am seeing, but really, still shy of 6 months is a little early to pull out the rings and white picket fences. Don't ya think? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:27 am	post A So, I need a stupid cranberry sauce recipe. I had it once, years ago. Little One went crazy stupid in love with it. I want to make it for eat -till-you-puke day. Here's what I can remember: Cranberries (duh, I know) orange bits and possibly juice walnuts (I think) oh, and it was sweet. If you know of any recipes like it or close enough to be able to doctor to it, please let me know. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
1:40 am	time of death for all who didnt know, the roomies and I got flooded out sun. Male roomie and I were both home, Val was at work. Now, that being said, water never made it into our apt. The stuff in storage is most likely gone. Male roomies car will be totalled out by his insurance. My car hasnt got full coverage, so I was hoping that it could be fixed once drained and some minor works performed. My bro gave me a hopefull prognosis. He was wrong. Time of death was announced, the paddles (so to speak) put away, and the cause of death simply put as: cars cant swim. Got that everybody? I want no confusion. Cars Can NOT swim. As my car is now a watery grave for many personal and sentimental things both of mine and of my little, this has been a trying time for me. I had to explain to my daughter that her fave stuffed animal in all the world was indeed in the "not freaking likely to be saved, but we'll try anything" pile. So was her fave new shirt. and two of her jackets. Her digital camera that daddy got her for christmas ( you know, the one they bounced down a flight of stairs on the commercial)didnt even make it into that pile. Dumpster city. Some of my fave clothes were still in my car from a trip to the laundry mat. Many personal things in that car. the little pillow that little one made me with her hand print that keeps my back from hurting when I drive You know what didnt get ruined? The ONLY thing that didnt get ruined? My ticket for expired plates. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
2:36 am	hello to the Birthday boy yes, I know that yesterday was technically your birthday, but since I haven't gone to sleep yet, I'm counting this as on time. I love you. I miss you. I'm really glad you were born. Thanks for that! Love to Xast! PS. Just for you, I even fixed my typos. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
10:55 pm	computer enters casa For the very longest time, casa has been sans computer. This would be why emailing or messaging me doesn't work so much. Now, roomie, the valkyrie has brought a computer and connection into the place again. I shall have to remember to set up an effigy and burn insense to her later. So, my dearies, what does this mean to the world at large? It means, simply, that I can again check my email more then once a month at my moms. Yeah! I did just check my email. 1038 new emails... I read 4. (Comment on this)