Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lyssamariha's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, June 27th, 2009
4:14 am	why is it when they decide to toss me a bone, it still looks like they are just dangling a new carrot. This carrot isnt even as tasty looking as the others. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
2:31 am	and so I am in pause I cannot move forward in any direction. Why is that? Mostly, Im not sure what it is that I want. Or at least what it is that I want for more then a short while. Most of the problem is what I want and what would be a good idea. Of course for most things the problem is that there is nothing I can have at this time. Nothing that can fix anything. No salve, no bandaid, no quick fix. I want things that I dont have. Things that Im not sure that I'll ever have. But who knows what the future will hold, I guess. I must keep this fact in mind and try to think of it in a positive light. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
11:24 pm	contact tried to text you. Dont know if your new phone came complete with a new number. My email is the same. My first name, the word and,my kiddos first name. Its a hotmail account. If you are the one that I want to contact, this will get you my phone number emailed back. Does this sound like secret agant shit to you? Yeah, me too. but posting personal info online gets me phone calls from telemarketers aimed to game characters or emails to enlarge dangly bits that I dont have. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
1:28 am	for all those who dont already know Im single again. Yes he bugged me often, but that doesnt make me unaffected by the breakup. We had just made it through the first year on the 24th, but broke up on the 27th. Sometimes I dont want to talk about it, sometimes I want to scream about it. Mostly though, it just hurts to think about it. It was a simple promise to keep, I thought. But he broke that promise, so of course, I am the horrible preson who never really loved him, because I broke up with him over it...LIKE I SAID I WOULD. Whatever. Added bonus..stomach flu hit yesterday. I love my life (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 15th, 2009
2:22 am	up and coming and some past for fun in the past...mothers day. Fun. I got kiddo from the grammy after having failed my attempt to sleep in. She gave me gifts. We went to the Zoo. That was fun. We saw all of our favorite things in the Zoo. We found that, somehow, we had never seen the Otters. She loved it. After the Zoo I attempted a call to my own mom. After 6 or 7 tries, I thought to myself heck, Im in the area..so we dropped by. She told me what my dad got her (a singing card and a pound of skittles) I told her what kiddo got me (a singing card and a pound of chocolate). We were invited to stay for dinner, but kiddo was looking forward to our dinner alone, so we declined and went out to eat. After making our selves rather sick at dinner, overeating, we came home. Here I had to tell her, before we went in about the roomies cat being put down. After we discussed it for a while, I remeinded her that roomie is upset and we need to take care not to hurt her feelings. Kiddo walks in the house, looks around for a second, and asks roomie " wheres the dead cat?" Tact. next up on things my daughter needs to learn. up and coming events for me. 1 year with the guy. kiddo turns 7. Promised her a party. Summer vacation is coming up. Im sure there will be time with her dad where I'll be free to do whatever I want, since I wont have to worry about kiddo. i think I may try to do interesting things with her this summer. Camping trips and stuff. maybe. neither one of us has any tolerance for bugs and I require running water to make me not evil. Really I think that the weeks before we turn on the AC and the windows are open is as close to camping as I want to get, but I remember enjoying it alot as a kid. I think that with enough bug spray, she would too. Well, kids..time to try to sleep. Wish me luck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
2:03 am	First, I'd just like to say that the movie Pretty in Pink has some of the worst movie kisses in it. They don't even look like they are enjoying themselves. Now that that is over, I want to write about something that has been bugging me. When I broke up with Kiddo's dad, I was a very insecure individual. The relationship was not good for my self esteem. I went through a period where I was unable to believe that I could have any kind of romantic or even just sexual relationship with anybody. I was, in a word, scared. I started with what was far easier for me. I had sex. I was upfront that all I could handle was sex, that I could not have a serious relationship. I still handled it badly and hurt someone. I still wasn't ready, though I didn't realize it yet. time wore on and I started a new relationship. This, too, went badly. I thought that I was ready. I felt ready. Not at first, but as time passed the relationship developed a bit at a time. Then, all of a sudden, I felt overwhelmed, like drowning. It was too much, I could not get air. I ran scared again. and again.. I know that I hurt him too. Now, I am coming up on a year with the guy Im seeing now. I dont know what exactly it is, if I am about to run again. A lot of the time I feel like I am drowning. Like he is not giving me the air that I need. I know that I am not the most demonstrative person in the world and goodness knows that the more emotion I feel, the harder it is for me to express it, but the real question I ask myself over and over again is, "Am I afraid of relationships, or he really just not the right person and somewhere inside I know that?" We always seem to have the same recurring problems. I hate talking on the phone and he can't seem to stop calling me a few times a day. I can't get annoyed without him feeling like I'm drifting away. I can't seem to be the type of demonstrative person that he needs. But what it boils down to is the more he calls, the more he hugs on me, the more I pull away. Unfortunately, the more I pull away, the more he reassures himself that everything is okay by calling more and hugging on me more. It's become a cycle that I can't break. Now, both of the before mentioned guys are back in my life as friends. I keep thinking about the way things worked out back then and I kick myself repeatedly for hurting two really great people. I think to myself that if I wasn't so damn scared at the time, one of them could have been great for me. I don't know what I thought I would accomplish writing about this here. I think that its been preying on my mind enough that I thought I should just get it out and Im afraid that the people around me are probably getting sick of hearing about a problem I have had unending since last summer. This is starting to sound like a pity party though, so I think I'll cut it short. Last thing I want to say....I still think she should have taken Duckie instead. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
2:12 am	short -n- sweet I have a car again! (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2009
1:06 am	a long ago promise of impending DOOM, a catch up on me,retail mind you, thats long ago in the mind of a child A few months back, kiddo learned the evils of tobacco, alcohol and drugs in school. I discussed it with her as well. I mean, I do smoke and socially drink, so the Why of it came up. In this discussion, I promised myself and my dearest one that after the holidays were over, I would try to quit. This is now the time. My plan is to quit smoking by Feb. NOTE: this is NOT a New Years resolution. This is a promise to kiddo made months ago. Obviously, this is a WARNING. I plan on cutting down throughout this month, so perhaps it will be easier, but I am putting my money on "raving homicidal maniac" for the next couple of months. Now that thats said.. Much of life has been same ol stuff lately. Kiddo went to see Daddy in Va. for Xmas. Since my dad is there with FEMA, he picked her up and had dinner with her one of the noghts she was there. He gave her a couple of Xmas gifts too as a bonus. She was gone for 5 days all told. She was supposed to be gone for 6 but due to possible weather, she had to fly one day later. Roomie went out of town too during the same time so I was at the airport 5 times in 5 days(once for picking up lost luggage). I would appreciate a parking spot or reserved chair for this since I havent even gotten to fly for my troubles. Still seeing the same person, we are doing well. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, just as sometimes, I am sure that I get on his, but hell, 7 months is pretty good for me. The only one who lasted longer then this was kiddo's daddy and it was miserable for years before I left. still hearing nasty rumors about people and then choosing to ignore them, still working at the same place. The only real difference is now, suddenly, I keep getting hit on (at work!) by people who are shopping for, and sometimes with, their wives or girlfriends. I can only think WTF? This past two weeks at work have been retail hell. I have had to deal with: A man who hits on me while not looking me anywhere but in the breasts and then touches my butt while Im trying to get a shirt down for his woman to try on in the fitting room. An unknown person peeing on one of the fitting room benches and covering it with 2 expensive(and now ruined) pieces of clothing to hide it. A woman who blatantly drops a coat on the ground at my feet when she is told by her shopping buddy that its not the right thing. My absolute fave person is leaving the store. Her last day is tomorrow. This will make me the longest employee at my store. An undermanned shift most nights these past two weeks as sales were expected to be about 1/2 what they actually were. 4 people that I know coming into the store at various times in the past two weeks. Something I am not really all that comfortable with and in one case, NOT AT ALL. A customer who said that she wanted hooker clothes for a "hookers and hobos" theme party...but it cant show her arms..or her cleavage..or be a dress.. or too short of a skirt...or be tight at all. all I could do not to tell her she was left with the hobo option. Not that all things were bad of course...: I had a 1000 dollar sale. I had to remind a coworker (again) that I am not a manager and so, cannot give her permission to start a project, nor can I assign her one. ( I can advise her on suitable helpful projects though, and did.) I had Xmas eve, Xmas day, and New Years day off. I got to help many ladies who were suffering from poor self image. "I am ugly cause Im fat and nothing looks good on me" This always give me a warm feeling when I prove that totally wrong. A bonus. not a good bonus, but a bonus. and more to follow after that. I believe that I can count on two more. We finally got our Nov bonus for making plan. The 1000 dollar sale earned a bonus. (normally we don't get bonuses for big sales, but the DM was running a highest sale contest at the time) And unless I am mistaken, we will get a Dec plan bonus. Well, thats really all I got for now Current Music: video game background music (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2008
2:08 am	huh, who knew? Which creature of the night are you? Your Result: Incubus/Succubus   It's all about feeding, isn't it? You pay them back from their energy, though. You give them something (your drama) that will keep them distracted from life, which you consider a terrible joke. Vampire   Sorceror   Ghost   Werewolf   Demon   Cthulu Spawn   Which creature of the night are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
1:13 am	Over winter break Little One is going to Daddy's for the holidays. This will make Xmas number 2 ever with out the Kiddo. I believe that I will do significantly better with it this year then I did 2 years ago for a couple of reasons. A: I'm not already depressed. B: I'm not in Green Acres. C: I know for a fact that she'll come home again(an irrational fear last time as it was her first trip to Va to visit Daddy) So, I do not think that I will slip into that BAD mental Place....but just to be sure, I will try hard to keep myself to busy to get Emo. So, anyone else have any plans? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
2:18 am	Fema So, any who have read my LJ (what few posts I make) know about the great car-killing flood. MSD told me to piss off, as did everyone else. Fema told me to give up the little until things were back to normal. AS IF I HAD A LOT OF NORMAL IN MY LIFE TO BEGIN WITH!!! This, understandably, pissed me off and made me very upset with the organization that my father works for. Yep. My dad works for Fema. As of a couple of days ago, I have changed my mind. Our neighborhood was declared a disaster site and as of 1:30 today, my place has been inspected and reports have been filed. I have fairly good reason to believe that I shall be reimbursed for some of my loss, though, predictably not all of it. Now, that guy that I spoke to last time? Id still like to reach through the phone and explain to him why you dont tell a mother to give up her little. Then Id like to see him demoted to the guy that cleans out the porta-potties at disaster relief sites. You know, the ones where they have a few thousand people sleeping in a gymnasium. Without a mask.... Or gloves. at least until he learns things like tact, and when to try a more sympathetic method. Some common sense couldnt hurt.... Anyway, that being said, it's nice to know that my tax dollars are finally coming back to me. I mean, situations like this are why I pay taxes, yes? On a completely unrelated note, there is a place near me with a now hiring sign in their window. Tomorrow, I plan on going there and convincing us both that I should work there. Wish me luck. I need a local day job. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 17th, 2008
2:31 am	Post B (order not important) So, kiddo wants me to marry. NOW! She has decided that she wants a stepdad. No...NEEDS one. As a bonus, she has decided that the current guy in my life will suit for the job just fine. Nevermind that we have been dating for (just shy of)6 months. yeah. thats all. Guy knows that the decision has been reached for us by the kiddo and is as amused/worried as I am. And here we feared my mother hearing wedding bells and trying to foist me off on him. She is also quite unconcerned with the fact that he hasnt asked me to marry him. Conversation at laundrymat after school; Kiddo: mommy? me: yes hun? K: did you do it yet? M: do what? K: Marry ______! did you do that today? M: NO! Sweetie, you just decided yesterday that it would be ok. We havent actually decided to get married. Besides, I wont do that while youre at school. We'll have a big party and you'll be flower girl if I get married. K:(saddened by my still single state) Oh. I just thought... *mumble mumble* This is partly her fathers fault. When he still lived in town, He and his wife went to city hall. Kiddo was informed of it later that night. I think that she thinks its no big deal. So, what the heck am I supposed to do with that? I like the guuy I am seeing, but really, still shy of 6 months is a little early to pull out the rings and white picket fences. Don't ya think? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:27 am	post A So, I need a stupid cranberry sauce recipe. I had it once, years ago. Little One went crazy stupid in love with it. I want to make it for eat -till-you-puke day. Here's what I can remember: Cranberries (duh, I know) orange bits and possibly juice walnuts (I think) oh, and it was sweet. If you know of any recipes like it or close enough to be able to doctor to it, please let me know. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
1:40 am	time of death for all who didnt know, the roomies and I got flooded out sun. Male roomie and I were both home, Val was at work. Now, that being said, water never made it into our apt. The stuff in storage is most likely gone. Male roomies car will be totalled out by his insurance. My car hasnt got full coverage, so I was hoping that it could be fixed once drained and some minor works performed. My bro gave me a hopefull prognosis. He was wrong. Time of death was announced, the paddles (so to speak) put away, and the cause of death simply put as: cars cant swim. Got that everybody? I want no confusion. Cars Can NOT swim. As my car is now a watery grave for many personal and sentimental things both of mine and of my little, this has been a trying time for me. I had to explain to my daughter that her fave stuffed animal in all the world was indeed in the "not freaking likely to be saved, but we'll try anything" pile. So was her fave new shirt. and two of her jackets. Her digital camera that daddy got her for christmas ( you know, the one they bounced down a flight of stairs on the commercial)didnt even make it into that pile. Dumpster city. Some of my fave clothes were still in my car from a trip to the laundry mat. Many personal things in that car. the little pillow that little one made me with her hand print that keeps my back from hurting when I drive You know what didnt get ruined? The ONLY thing that didnt get ruined? My ticket for expired plates. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2008
2:36 am	hello to the Birthday boy yes, I know that yesterday was technically your birthday, but since I haven't gone to sleep yet, I'm counting this as on time. I love you. I miss you. I'm really glad you were born. Thanks for that! Love to Xast! PS. Just for you, I even fixed my typos. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
10:55 pm	computer enters casa For the very longest time, casa has been sans computer. This would be why emailing or messaging me doesn't work so much. Now, roomie, the valkyrie has brought a computer and connection into the place again. I shall have to remember to set up an effigy and burn insense to her later. So, my dearies, what does this mean to the world at large? It means, simply, that I can again check my email more then once a month at my moms. Yeah! I did just check my email. 1038 new emails... I read 4. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 30th, 2008
4:18 pm	I R Smart Your result for The Commonly Confused Words Test ... English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 80% Expert! You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! To find this test I hope you are friends with the roomie. I couldn't get the directions to paste. Words I know, computers, I don't (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
7:16 pm	new year so lets decide that we hate ourselves and need to change I am not going on a diet. I am not going to be nicer to anyone. I dont want my person to change in any way. I could say that I woll quit smoking, lose weight, beccome a professional wrestler, whatever. But since I have very little chance of even deciding that I want any of those things, I will give you this. I will meet new, worthy, people and make new friends. I will meet a special someone even if its only special for a short time I will try not to fuck up my life and the few friendships I have left. Hows that? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
12:23 am	Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last month on a flight to Colorado Springs, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In August I ruled Asscrackistan as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In March I helped masterxast see the light (8 points). In May I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last Tuesday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-482 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich! Sincerely, lyssamariha Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username: (Comment on this)
Monday, October 22nd, 2007
1:43 am	I miss I miss your smile the way we would laugh at shared jokes I miss knowing that you would be there that I could call you anytime I miss knowing that you got me I miss that spot on the couch the one where I would sit with my head on your shoulder I miss hearing about your day laughing with you cooking with you sleeping with you sleeping next to you I miss knowing how much you care I miss your kiss the safety of your arms How can I miss you so much? You dont exist. Yes. It's emo goodness from Lyssa tonight. Im lonely. I thought that I was in need of a one night stand. Then I thought maybe I need a harem of people. Slowly over time I came to the realization that what I need is much less physical then emotional. I find myself indulging in fantasy. Ones where I am connected with the one who does not exist. Perfect for me, knows when to hold me tight and keep the world away, or just back off and give me space to work through my own head. I feel myself avoiding people that have what I want. I am surrounding myself safely in other single women. Cant do this with single men. Might make a mistake. Had to catch myself a few times from going with the train wreck but available answer. Its getting harder to do. Caught myself going through the list of singles that i know in a ruthless machination to seduce someone...anyone...to feel wanted again. This is not the person that I want to be. I feel myself withdrawing inside. I smile, but I am starting to wonder if it ever reaches my eyes anymore. I no longer take joy in the things that used to give me pleasure. Reading isnt keeping my attention. Dancing isnt giving me that spark that I used to get. Ive been going to the bar and drinking alot, but its a small step from drinking alone in front of my TV. So, thats my life now. I dont want to go home to my empty house, fall asleep in my empty bed and wake up in the morning knowing that noone is there. True, Valkyrie will be home from the trip soon, sure I pick up kiddo tomorrow, but this is not what I mean. You know. I want someone who reminds me that I am special...before I forget that I am. I think that I still think that Im special. I know that I remember how to fake it. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)